10/21/2021
Things you should know before buying a horse:
1. They will multiply. You’ll have one, then suddenly you’ll have another, and the cycle repeats itself for all of eternity. Pro tip: Some horses are the exact same color. This means those free souls who are not horse people aka husbands will not be able to tell the difference. You can have multiple horses of the same color and claim to have only one and your husband will never know.
2. You will buy specific outfits to wear around your horse. They will smell terrible. Then you will go shopping in these outfits and everyone in the grocery store will turn their noses up and avoid you. These outfits will cost more than everyone’s grocery carts combined and yet you will smell and look like a complete pauper.
3. Barn time is not like other time. You might go to the barn planning on spending an hour there, but you won’t leave until the barn feels its time for you to go. A week later you might walk out to see your husband and kids lying in the driveway waiting for dinner. There’s no telling what the barn will decide. It is its own entity. Respect it. Don’t make plans around it.
4. They wear shoes. Like human shoes, except 5x more expensive. Also, they only wear them if they want to. Some days, they’ll take their shoes off and leave them piled up in the mud. It’s impossible to find these shoes after they leave them somewhere.
5. You will be called horse girl. You can take this as you’d like to take it. Some horse girls take it poorly. Some take it well. Sometimes its an insult. Sometimes it’s a mark of respect for a human who is strong enough to keep a 1200Ib “my sole purpose is to die from stomachaches” animal alive.
6. Oh yes, stomachaches. Did we not cover stomach aches yet? My bad. Let me explain. Horses don’t like having stomach aches. When you have a stomachache, you might have a soothing drink and sit down a minute. Horses are not like you. Horses will feel slightly off anywhere in their bodies and will simply decide to give up the ghost. Everything and anything can kill a horse. If it moves, it will kill a horse. If it doesn’t move, it will kill a horse. If you’re not sure if it moves or doesn’t move, it will still kill a horse.
7. Most importantly, horses will change your life. You will cry and laugh at the same time. You will look like a total fool at a show, but you will have the time of your life doing it. You will meet people who’ve got the horse bug too and suddenly you’ll have a second family. You will ride one day and then spend four days trying to learn how to get out of your car without groaning. You will have horse cookies in your laundry and your house will smell like your best friend. You will spend every waking minute and every sleeping half second thinking about them. And, when the moon aligns with the earth just right, the tree sways in the exact manner needed, and the birds quiet for one instant, you will realize you are living inside the dream you had as a child. You will be the princess on a horse.
-- Angelina Vita
